A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Worry is a funny beast. Not funny as in the abominable snowplow, but funny strange. As I’ve been going through the stages of frustration, fatigue, a bit of burnout and stress, I find myself worrying about things that seem absolutely huge and this afternoon had an epiphany — the things that I’m consumed about are the foil which keeps me from thinking about the things that are really bothering me. Not going to get into specifics, but there’s a situation that has been in my thoughts for quite a bit now and I find my thoughts wandering off thinking about the situation and how it’s going to work out — I just realized that it’s not the situation that I’m worried about — the situation makes for a slightly more pleasant (if not neurotic) distraction from the things that are _really_ bothering me.

It may be a defensive thing. I know that growing up I never felt truly liked by anyone and thought that if I showed myself to be really smart or really good at things that people would like me — and it was somewhat true. The problem was that I wasn’t solving my need — I needed real connection with people who loved me, to know I was loved without condition, but that I was in fact feeding the very thing I didn’t want: people liked me for what I did, not who I was. I rarely had trouble getting into a team at lunch recess, I was decently good at most sports and often got to lead and rearrange things to my liking. But there was an unquenchable need that none of that could satisfy.

As I’m considering my current situation, I have some things that I should definitely take care of and not procrastinate doing any longer and I’m finding myself asking more and more often ‘What does it matter if
does or doesn’t happen?’ … yet some of the things that need to be done may appear scary enough that instead of actually considering how to deal with that, it’s easier to be consumed with worry about something else that might be more pleasant and exciting.

The thing I’m coming to realize is that as I plan and execute for the future that I’m going to become more and more settled in the right things to do, that I will have less to worry about because the things I need to do are being taken care of and everything else is gravy.

My goals for this week:
- Get more rest
- Eat foods that my body is going to like and use better
- Drink lots of water
- Walk/Exercise at least 2x this week
- Spend time talking and listening to God every day
- Let the other stuff take care of itself.

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