A little bit of this, a little bit of that

While I was in the area at church last night where they serve food for the production volunteers I witnessed something that was both funny and sad at the same time when it comes to relationships and church life. One of our creative guys was working on something and when I came back there are 4 girls sitting against the wall talking to him — I may have it wrong, but I believe he said he was being interrogated — but I digress. As I listened to the conversation they were talking about an event coming up for Valentines day and was asking who he was taking and whatnot, to which he replied ‘Well, it’s not a couples event, there are guys tickets and girls tickets, not couples tickets.’ While that response didn’t go over too well, the girls proceeded to discuss amongst themselves (by name) who it would be great to set him up with.

When he asked them why they were trying to set him up their response was ‘We’re hoping you will set US up too’. After a few more people joined, he made a comment (that I didn’t hear) and one of the newcomers responded ‘I don’t get it, how did this event become about marriage with guys?’

The girls did by applying pressure about this guys’ private life and wanting to set him up — not because he and someone would be a great match together — but because he “needed” to be set up with someone — anyone! What I have seen over time is that given time and space, people will naturally gravitate to one another. Sometimes a matchmaker may look at two people and see a good pairing and make a suggestion to both parties but that takes into account how both people are and is a suggestion rather than pressure. When applying pressure, it simply illustrates the relational gossip progression that sadly infuses church culture.

The relational gossip progression in church goes something like this: If they’re single, people wonder who they’re interested in. If they’re talking, people wonder if they’re interested or dating. If they’re casually dating someone, people wonder when they’re going to make it official. If they’re official, people wonder when they’re going to get engaged, then married, then kids, etc. Frankly that whole hamster wheel puts pressure on guys and girls and it’s not welcome. When people lack a connection to each other and engage in questions on their personal life it does not foster trust and it doesn’t foster community — primarily because people engaged in information discovery are not motivated by getting to know the other person better, they’re motivated by getting to personal information.

This kind of gossip fishing is damaging to relationships and communities because it attempts to seduce intimacy from someone with nothing in return. It doesn’t build the other person up, it doesn’t encourage growth and it acts as a hinderance to actual relationship because it puts a block both between the seducer and their victim as well as the victim and the person being discussed.

I’m not going to tolerate it in my life, I encourage you to examine yourself to see if your conversational ethics are in order.

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